I just realized I missed a deadline at work. Well, I ‘just realized’ it when my boss called me out in front of the whole team. UGH! I apologized and let her know the report would be on her desk before I left today. I can feel the shame creeping up my neck into my face as I try to pretend I am just fine. I tell myself it’s no big deal and try to focus on the meeting. But inside, my shame storm has already started. After the meeting, I quickly walk to my car where I burst into tears and begin telling myself how stupid I am, how I always screw up everything, and it’s a wonder I can even hold a job. All I want to do is drive away from here and never return…
Shame, Defined
I am sure that most of us have experienced a similar situation where you felt ashamed. But what, exactly, is shame? Shame is a self-awareness emotion stemming from a deep-seated belief that something is fundamentally wrong with you - that you are deeply and profoundly flawed. It frequently evokes feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt, which may exist outside conscious thought. The consequences of shame can be far-reaching, affecting not only your overall health and well-being but also giving rise to issues such as anxiety, depression, diminished self-esteem and self-assurance, and a host of other challenges. Let’s unpack what shame is, how it may show up for you, and what to do about it when it does.
A Tale of Two Types of Shame
People may experience shame in two distinct ways. The first is described as ‘state shame.’ This occurs in the moment when a specific event causes you to feel shame - it is situation-specific. This garden-variety emotion may be activated if you forget to do something you promised or are called out in front of others. Most people have experienced this kind of shame.
A more complex form of shame, however, is known as ‘trait shame.’ Trait shame is a deep-seated feeling that you, in general, are not good enough. This type of shame tends to stay with you always, just lurking beneath the surface.
If someone ridicules us on the playground (or even if an adult teases us at work), we may experience some shame. But if we experience ridicule often enough, the shame starts to internalize—it starts to become a part of us. This is when we may develop 'trait shame'. Trait shame may also be deeply rooted in childhood trauma.
Whether you have shame from time to time or whether it is a constant in your life, all of us can learn coping skills to deal with it so it does not become crippling. Check out this great video from Brene’ Brown on how state shame may turn into trait shame.
The Difference Between Shame and Guilt
Shame and guilt are both powerful emotions that serve to let us know if we have crossed a boundary. These words are frequently used interchangeably but in actuality, they are different.
Guilt: I actually did something wrong, and I feel bad about it. An example might be forgetting the birthday of someone you care about. In this case, people tend to sincerely apologize or make amends.
Shame: Feeling shame is more of a self-perception than a regretful action. You may have done something wrong, or you may not have. Regardless, you internalize the situation. Instead of thinking, oh no! I made a mistake (Guilt) you may feel that it is more living proof that you ARE a mistake.
Image courtesy NICABM
It is important to understand this distinction as many of us replace guilt with shame. Humans are messy - we make mistakes. When we are healthy, we acknowledge our mistakes, apologize, and make amends. We may feel embarrassment and shame as part of the process but so long as the shame response is in proportion to the mistake and you are able to work through it it does not become debilitating.
The problem becomes when you substitute shame for guilt and even small transgressions become major shaming events. When this is your prominent go-to, you may experience a ‘shame cycle’ or a ‘shame storm.’ Let’s take a look at both of these and what they may look or feel like.
What is the Cycle of Shame?
When you are overwhelmed by embarrassment, humiliation, or self-loathing, you remind yourself of other mistakes, disappointments, and the resulting shame. As a result, you may start thinking self-destructive thoughts such as, “I’m a bad person,” “I don’t deserve love,” or ” I am a failure,” which add to your shame, spiraling you into a destructive cycle. The Cycle of Shame has distinct parts including the following:
Inciting incident/trigger: Something happens to trigger the initial feelings of shame. An example could be a boss dressing you down in front of peers or clients.
Secrecy: You do not share with trusted friends or colleagues that you are feeling shame.
Isolation/separation: You may choose to remove yourself from the situation or remove yourself from contact with others. This isolation can lead to further anxiety and depression.
Acting out: As your feelings get worse, you may end up acting out. This can look like flying into a rage, telling someone off, breaking things, or self-medicating.
Feel worse and seek out ways to self-soothe: While the acting out may have provided temporary relief, that very behavior may then trigger another round of shame.
The Shame Storm
A shame storm is different than a shame cycle in that it is acute, meaning it will pass, and it tends to be related to a specific inciting incident - more ‘state shame’ than ‘trait shame.’ Another difference is the absence of extreme external acting-out behaviors and the inclusion of more internal behaviors, like negative self-talk. While the feelings may still be devastating, they take a predictable route:
Inciting incident/Trigger: You feel embarrassment, guilt, shame, feelings of inadequacy, or feelings of low self-worth.
Spiral Begins: The above feelings may lead you to over-generalize and have negative self-talk like, “I mess up everything,” “I can't do anything right,” or “I am a total loser.”
Everyone Hates Me: You begin to feel like everyone is judging you, dislikes you, thinks you are stupid, or is upset with you.
Evidence Collection: You now search your memory banks with the lens of finding evidence to back up the ideas in the previous level. Like that one time 20 years ago when you forgot to pick up your sister from school.
I Quit!: Now that you have beaten yourself up pretty well, you may feel the need to quit, leave, isolate, or push people away. In this moment, however, you need people. When you push them away or do not share how you feel, it will lead to the next level…
I Suck: You are now facing these feelings alone and may feel intense anxiety, depression, and loneliness. If left untreated, this can lead to hopelessness, despair, and even suicidal thinking.
So What Can I Do???
The good news is that everyone at some time feels shame. The key is to not let these thoughts and feelings overtake your life. Below are some tips, tools, and strategies for what to do to stop the cycles or storms of shame.
Identify. Pause. Breathe. When you feel the beginnings of the shame cycle washing over you, take a step back and take a deep breath.
Acknowledge how you are feeling: I am upset/angry/frightened/embarrassed.
Disrupt the thinking: Remind yourself that while this situation may be triggering or may feel bad, you, yourself, are not bad. Remind yourself if someone has done something disrespectful or shaming to you, it is OK to be upset. Remind yourself of all the times you have been capable and confident in similar situations. Know that, like most things in life, this is a temporary situation.
Practice positive self-talk: Instead of silently telling yourself how stupid you are and you should have known better, talk to yourself like you would to someone you love and care about. EX: So I messed up this time. It was an accident and I did not mean to. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes. It's going to be OK. I am OK.
Challenge your thoughts: When your brain is spouting absolutes like ‘always’ and ‘never’ remind yourself of the truth. You do not ALWAYS miss deadlines; this is a discreet incident.
Avoid the flight or fight instinct: Remind yourself that it is OK to feel upset but there is no need to isolate or lash out.
Share how you are feeling: Shame can only survive in the shadows. When and where it is appropriate, share how you are feeling with someone you trust.
Have a Shame Support Buddy: Enlist a trusted friend, coach, or mentor as a shame support buddy. Ask if you can text them if you feel like you are in the middle of a shamestorm. Have them help talk you down off the ledge by letting you know you are not a bad person and making mistakes from time to time is normal. They can also remind you of your overall amazingness! When they need a shame buddy, you can do the same for them.
Other Tips and Strategies:
Self-Compassion Letter
Self-compassion is the act of directing compassion inward. It involves replacing self-criticism with kindness and understanding when failures, mistakes, or feelings of inadequacy arise. Instead of being your own worst critic, extend support and encouragement to yourself. Write a letter to yourself as if it is coming from someone you respect or admire. They may be someone in a position of authority or influence. The letter should be a message of kindness, support, and compassion toward you. Write the letter from the other person’s standpoint and be sure to include only positive and kind words. An example could include "You are a genuinely good person who is worthy of love, kindness, and success." Have the letter highlight some of your other stellar traits. It is important to note that while you can think about this process, it is much more powerful to write it down and read it aloud to yourself. Keep these letters and re-read them when you are feeling down.
Affirmations Jar
Some people keep a tip jar or a swear jar but I propose you keep an affirmations jar. When you do something you are proud of or persevere through a difficult time, write it on a slip of paper and put it in your jar. Keep the jar where you can see it and if you are having a bad day, reach in and read a few of these highlights. This serves to remind you that on most days you are doing great things and not to let this one incident knock the wind out of you.
Shame-Focused Visualization
I am a big fan of creative visualization and using creative visualization to help with shame is a great strategy. Here is an example of what this could look like: Take a moment to relax and focus your mind. Imagine a guardian angel, spirit guide, or someone in your life who was/is a positive influence. This guardian is the antithesis of the people in your life who shame you. Imagine this person in extreme detail. She is loving, kind, and supportive. Imagine her hugging you and telling you how proud of you she is. She may also tell you that you are an amazing person or you are perfect the way you are. Continue to focus on how good it feels to be with her and, through her eyes, see yourself in a positive light. Allow yourself to really feel what it is like to have this guardian with you, and know that you can call on her anytime you need extra support. The main focus of your attention should be on her lack of judgment, no blame/no shame attitude, and how she sees you as a completely whole person.
If this works for you, it may be a mindfulness routine to adopt. Practice this each night before you go to sleep. The purpose is to help retrain your neural pathways to see yourself through someone else's eyes - someone who thinks you are pretty awesome as is.
Meditation is a mind and body practice focused on interactions among the brain, mind, body, and behavior. Meditation typically contains four key elements: a quiet location with little distractions, a comfortable posture, a focus of attention, and an open attitude.
A great antidote for shame and worry is to activate your compassion and kindness for others. In the Loving-Kindness Meditation, you visualize both sending love to others and receiving love in return. Similar to the visualization above, call to mind someone you associate with love and kindness. Bring them into sharp focus and imagine them smiling at you with approval and joy. Feel that love and take it in. Feel your shame, pain, and negativity ebbing away and replaced by a feeling of well-being.
Once you feel stronger and happier, it is time to send out these same joyful feelings to others.
Bring to mind someone in your life who could really use an extra boost—a friend, family member, or colleague. And again, bring them to mind vividly as though they were right in front of you. Then, imagine you smiling at them and sending them the same joy and love you just experienced. Wish this person to be truly happy, fulfilled, and joyful. Envision them feeling that happiness and enjoy that movement with them.
Brene’ Brown's Work on Vulnerability and Shame
Please note: This section contains affiliate links to books that I love. By clicking on the link and purchasing an item, I may receive a small commission, at no cost to you.
Brene’ Brown is a well-known researcher, author, and presenter who has spent her life delving into vulnerability, shame, guilt, embarrassment, and how to live a courageous life. All of her books are great reads. My personal favorite is Daring Greatly. Her book, I Thought It Was Just Me, “...shines a long-overdue light on an important truth: Our imperfections are what connect us to each other and to our humanity. Our vulnerabilities are not weaknesses; they are powerful reminders to keep our hearts and minds open to the reality that we're all in this together.” I highly recommend this book to those of us who are dealing with perfectionism and shame. Additionally, on her website, Brown offers several reading guides and worksheets to go along with her books. Her book I Thought It Was Just Me Reading Guide and free download focuses on shame. The linked worksheet is free. HERE is a link to the Daring Greatly Reading Guide, also free.
In Conclusion
Shame happens to all of us at some time. Shame, like guilt, is part of our internal warning systems that let us know when we have messed up. Some people, however, have overactive shame and guilt systems. Once activated, they can spiral into depression, anxiety, and loneliness. If you have experienced childhood trauma your shame response may be heightened.
Left untreated, shame cycles can disrupt your life and in the extreme, may cause suicidal thoughts. Please note this article should not stand in place of medical diagnosis or support. If you or someone you love is experiencing significant shame, it is important to get in touch with a licensed therapist. If you or someone you love is experiencing depression, debilitating anxiety, or suicidal thoughts it is imperative to seek proper medical attention. If you are having thoughts of suicide, call 988, for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.
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