Have you ever had days where your thoughts sound like this?
“You are stupid and lazy!”
“You will never amount to anything!”
“Did you actually think you would be good at this job?”
“You are a complete loser!”
If so, you may be holding beliefs about yourself that are not true and prevent you from achieving your dreams. Why are we our own worst critics? Let’s explore where these thoughts come from and how our beliefs may control our destiny.
Beliefs are the ideas and attitudes that you hold about yourself, others, and the world around you. They shape the way you see yourself and influence your choices, decisions, and actions. Beliefs can either be empowering or limiting, depending on whether they are positive or negative.
In his book, The Untethered Soul, Michael Singer explains that the negative voice you hear - you know, the one that tells you you are not pretty enough or smart enough, or will never amount to anything - is merely a psychotic roommate living in your head. I mean, would you let someone else speak to you in this way? I love this explanation as it helps remind us that we are the landlord and we hold the power to evict. Let’s take a look at some of the ways your ‘roommate’ may be keeping you stuck and what you can do to move forward.
Limiting Beliefs: A limiting belief is a state of mind that often holds us back, or sets limits, on realizing our full potential. They are common, and like many other beliefs, may have been formed in childhood. These beliefs may result from feedback received (or perceived) from adults and your peer group. Some examples of limiting beliefs include "I'm not smart enough," "I don't have what it takes," “I’m too young to be a good leader” and "I'm too old to start something new."
Fixed Mindset Beliefs: A fixed mindset, according to Carol Dweck, is a limiting belief that a person holds about their ability to learn new things. Fixed mindset beliefs place limits on our ability to change our current state, hypothesizing that we do not have the capacity to learn and grow; this is how I am; this is how I will always be. Examples of fixed mindset beliefs include "I'm not good at math," "I suck at sports," “I will never lose weight,” and "I don't belong here."
Fear-Based Beliefs: As we now have access to 24-7 news cycles and a continuous stream of negative images and stories delivered directly to our phones, many people now hold ideas that are steeped in fear and anxiety. It is normal to feel fear but if it becomes a constant state of worry that prevents you from moving forward, it is a problem to be addressed. Some examples of fear-based beliefs include “If I do X, they will laugh at me,” “The world is too dangerous to pursue this idea,” and “What if I lose everything?”
Victim Mentality Beliefs: A victim mentality is when someone believes that bad things always happen to them through no fault of their own. Someone with this type of belief may also feel they have no control over the situation or other people are out to get them. These beliefs create a sense of helplessness and prevent you from taking responsibility for your goals and happiness. Examples of victim mentality beliefs include "It's not my fault," "Why does this always happen to me," “I can’t do anything about it anyway” and “The world is a terrible place, why bother trying?”
The ABCs of Overcoming Negative Beliefs: Here are three quick and easy steps to challenge negative beliefs and bring you closer to achieving your dreams.
Activate Awareness and Take Action: The first step in overcoming limiting beliefs is to become aware of them. Metacognition - the thinking about your thinking - is your friend in this process. When you have a negative thought, acknowledge that it is only a belief; it does not have the ability to become your truth unless you allow it to do so. When the roommate is particularly cruel (you are an idiot…you don't belong here…you suck at this…this is never going to work), take a breath and remind yourself that these are only thoughts, and then kick that loudmouth pain-in-the-neck to the curb!
Blast Negative Beliefs: Once you become aware of limiting beliefs, you need to actively challenge them. Question the validity of the beliefs and replace them with empowering and positive thoughts. For example, when you hear your inner voice say things like “I’m never going to achieve my goals” or “I am never going to lose weight” acknowledge that these are beliefs - not facts. One way to begin to do that is to add the word “yet” to the thought. For example, “I haven’t achieved my goals…yet” or “I have not lost weight…yet.” This is a reminder that we are capable of learning and growing and are not imprisoned by our negative thoughts.
Cross-Examine the WHY Behind These Thoughts: When limiting beliefs present themselves, ask yourself why you think this way. Some questions to help you get to the root cause of your negative beliefs may include the following:
Why do I have this belief?
When did these thoughts begin? What triggered these thoughts now?
Have I heard someone else state this about me or about others in my family? If so, who said it? What was the intention? Is it possible that the observation was not true or fair?
Was there ever a time when this belief was true? Is it still true, or have I changed? Am I relying on thoughts and feelings that stem from my childhood?
How does holding on to this belief protect me?
How does holding on to this belief hurt me?
What would it feel like to be free of this belief?
On your journey to happiness and fulfillment, it is essential to recognize the power of beliefs and challenge those thoughts as they arise. That psychotic roommate in your head may be the voice of a parent or sibling from long ago. It could also be a former boss, a lover, or someone you admired who put you down. Once you understand where your beliefs come from, it is easier to see how they impact your health, happiness, and well-being. Examining your thoughts and determining which are helpful will create positive thinking that moves you closer to achieving your goals.
As with all new patterns of being, there will be backsliding. That is OK. The important thing is to continue to recognize when negative beliefs surface, and acknowledge that they are only beliefs; not reality. When you are able to catch the intrusive belief and add ‘yet’ to the end of the thought or acknowledge the belief is not a fact, congratulate yourself. It takes effort to change long-standing beliefs but it is worth the effort.
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