I love being a coach. It is a great joy to help someone gain greater skills or step into their own power. Most of my clients have been receptive to working with me - some may have been a little concerned about the process - but most have been open and accepting. This, however, is not always the case. In some cases, for example, people are assigned to receive coaching. Depending on how that information was shared, they may feel fearful, confused, or downright angry. These emotions may make it challenging to develop a trusting relationship, and without trust, you will struggle to move beyond surface-level work. But there is hope. Through clear, direct communication about what coaching is, what the process will look like, maintaining confidentiality, and consistently remaining in non-judgment, it is possible to turn things around. See below for some tips and tools for working with a resistant client.
A Vetting Process
One tip is to catch potential resistors before they become your client. When you have the ability to screen and select, you can ask questions and probe the person’s receptiveness to coaching. This process will help assess a potential client's readiness and openness to coaching, as well as their willingness to take responsibility for their own growth and development. Some coaches may be reluctant to create and implement a vetting process as they are interested in building their client list, but it is important to remember that working with a resistant client who is not a good fit can be draining for both of you and result in frustration and negative feedback.
Below are some sample questions you can use to help determine a client’s readiness for coaching:
What is the biggest challenge you have had to overcome? What skills did you use to do so?
How committed are you to making changes in your life to achieve your goals?
What challenges have you faced in achieving those goals?
What motivates you to make changes in your life?
How open are you to trying new things and exploring different perspectives?
How do you prefer to receive feedback and constructive criticism?
What kind of support system do you have in your life to help you achieve your goals?
What obstacles or barriers do you anticipate encountering during the coaching process?
How much time and effort are you willing to invest in the coaching process?
What specific goals would you like to achieve through coaching?
Assigned Clients
If, however, you have assigned clients, you may not have the luxury of vetting and rejecting those who are not a good fit for your coaching style. Understanding the drivers of resistance may help you craft a path forward. See below for some typical resistors, how they may show up, and potential entry points.
The Skeptic
The skeptic is someone who may not fully understand or believe in coaching. They may question if coaching is even a ‘real thing’, the coach's credentials, the validity of coaching techniques, or the overall process.
To work with a skeptic, it's important to provide evidence of the effectiveness of coaching and to be transparent about the coaching process. Evidence may include sharing relevant research, short videos, and most importantly, data. If the skeptic has a friend or colleague that benefitted from coaching, this is the BEST evidence. If, for example, you had a successful coaching experience with someone on a different team, ask if you may introduce the new client so he/she/they can ask questions. In my experience, the skeptic can be turned around provided they are open to receiving information about coaching. If they are not, you may actually be working with another type: The know-it-all.
The Know-it-all
The know-it-all believes they already have all the answers and consequently are resistant to coaching. They may tell you straight up they don't need coaching or that they can handle things on their own. When you suggest an exercise or protocol, they will come back with how they have done it in the past and it did not work or when they led something just like it, it was a huge success. This disposition is not often moved by your credentials, data, or research and is inclined to devalue your expertise and experience.
To work with a know-it-all, ask a lot of questions that allow the person to demonstrate their aptitude. Many suffer from imposter syndrome and as a result, take this stance as a wall of defense. You may also need to take care in praising them for accomplishments and remain unattached to outcome. Continuing to offer ideas and solutions and not demanding compliance are other potential tactics. The know-it-all can be won over, but it will take time and your consistent willingness to offer ideas and solutions while remaining unattached to outcome.
The Victim
What at first glance may seem a know-it-all, may turn out to be a victim. The victim is someone who may feel powerless and may blame external factors for their situation. They are reluctant to take accountability and hide behind their position or their resume. They feel stuck and unable to take steps to improve their situation but do not see that they have choices and options available to them. The victim and the know-it-all may seem counter to each other, but both are defenses to ensure they are in the right and others are to blame when things go wrong.
The key to working with this type of client is to help them see they have the ability to make needed changes and are not just pawns in the game. To do so, it is important to help them identify their strengths and provide encouragement to take responsibility for their actions. Helping them process a variety of solutions to a given problem may also be helpful. If you are able to establish a trusting relationship, the next steps will be to help your client identify when they shift blame, complain about others, and do not take responsibility for their own choices. If they trust enough to do this, they will make a quantum leap forward.
The Procrastinator
A procrastinator is someone who puts off taking action and, while not always true, may also be resistant to change. Procrastinators may have a fear of failure or lack of motivation. In my experience, I find this type of person may be overwhelmed with many responsibilities and legitimately does not have the time required to devote to coaching. They procrastinate because they do not know what has the highest priority or what the goals are. They may feel so overwhelmed they are paralyzed. Once you understand the reason behind a person’s procrastination, it is often an easy key to turn. But beware, this person may actually be a victim in disguise. If this is the case, they cannot move forward because it is always someone else’s fault. You may find that week after week they show up and have not completed (or started) any of the action items agreed to at the previous session. When asked, they will regale you with stories of others' incompetence and delays that they had to take time to fix and that is why they could not complete their assignments.
A great strategy to share with a procrastinator is to help them identify the root cause of their procrastination and to set achievable goals with clear deadlines. (Some root cause analysis tools may include: The 5 Whys, Fishbone, or SWOT). Once they can break down the to-do list into manageable chunks and start clearing items they will feel more empowered and be able to move forward quickly.
The Rebel
The rebel can be one of the team’s highest performers but they are often contrary and resistant to authority; they typically do not like being told what to do. Additionally, they have a strong desire for independence and may often be unwilling to follow instructions. This disposition may make them particularly resistant to coaching. This type is likely to showboat and talk up their accomplishments, real or perceived. They frequently garner attention from leadership and due to high achievement they are often given some slack BUT this person can be an albatross on the overall team’s performance as they sow discord.
It may take a lot to establish a trusting relationship as this type may also be a know-it-all. The key to this client is to understand that they like innovation and novelty. A key strategy is to provide them with options and choices; co-creation and co-planning often unleashes this dynamic personality and allows them to thrive.
The Perfectionist
And finally, our friend the perfectionist. A perfectionist is someone who may have high standards and also be resistant to taking action out of fear it might not be the best solution (analysis paralysis). They may have a fear of failure and be overly critical of themselves and others (which may consequently spill over to how they feel about you and your work). Perfectionists may appear resistant but at their core, they want to do what is best and right for their situation but their desire for being perfect derails them and they can get stuck. In my experience, this challenging client is often the easiest to shift as there is frequently a core value of doing a good job.
Helping a perfectionist establish realistic goals and reminding them to not let the perfect get in the way of the good are two great strategies. Additionally, be clear in your expectations on what they should focus on. This will prevent them from spending inordinate time on things that are not really important. Finally, help them focus on the journey rather than the destination.
Key Strategies for Working with Resistant Clients
Regardless of the client or situation, it is essential to establish trust and build a strong relationship based on trust, respect, and empathy. The work requires active listening and validating the client's feelings and experiences while helping them to see both their strengths and weaknesses. Below are some strategies I have found to be successful.
One key strategy for working with resistant clients is to identify the root cause. Often, resistance is a symptom of deeper issues related to fear, lack of confidence, or negative beliefs. By using open-ended questions and active listening, you can help the client explore these underlying issues and reframe resistance as an opportunity for growth and learning.
Encouraging the client to set achievable goals and develop a plan of action and a way to monitor their progress are also concrete steps that will help you move the needle.
Understanding the type of feedback your client needs is critical to building trust. When you are able to provide constructive feedback that is focused on their strengths, successes, and areas for growth you are moving in the right direction. At times you may need to shift your approach to meet their needs.
Setting clear boundaries is also important when working with resistant clients. This means establishing expectations around communication and commitment to the coaching process. By being firm but compassionate in enforcing these boundaries, you can help the client feel supported and accountable for their growth. Remember that setting boundaries is about your behavior, not the clients.
Outlook
There is a saying in theatre that says, “There is a butt for every seat.’ This is also true in coaching. Each of the above scenarios may be someone’s favorite type of work. Understand that some resistance is normal for all clients - especially as you approach new thinking and push them out of their comfort zone. It is also important to realize there are some clients who may not be ready for the commitment or the deep dive coaching requires. Knowing how to spot these potential clients is an important step to having the time and energy to support the people you have, who are ready for the experience.
Ultimately, resistant clients can be challenging, but it's important to remember that every person is unique and may require a different approach. With these key concepts in mind, if you are willing you can help even the most resistant achieve their goals, experience transformative growth, and unlock their full potential.
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